Couples Therapy 101
After spending many years counseling couples, I thought it would be valuable to summarize the basic principles that I use to help couples who are struggling. I wanted to make sure that the concepts were easy to understand and based on some of the leading research for treating couples. Of course, what makes the work interesting is the specific stories that each couple brings into the room and their own dynamics. Here are some of the basic tenets:
1. Many relationships erode not through huge acts of betrayal but through years of disconnection. For example, in a relationship your partner may make bids for connection which are attempts to reach out to you. Whether you accept or reject those bids are your choice. You can choose to “turn towards” them by engaging or “turn away” from them by ignoring their efforts. Trust grows when you consistently choose connection. For example, if your partner says “Look at that sunrise,” you should respond to their bid, even with a simple “That’s beautiful,” as opposed to ignoring their comment.
2. The prolific couples therapist, John Gottman describes emotional betrayal as something that erodes trust even faster than infidelity. He describes chronic criticism, stonewalling or dismissing feelings as “trust earthquakes” that can crack a relationship’s foundation. Some examples of these are eye rolling, sarcasm, and not looking up from your phone when your partner is talking to you. According to Gottman, these trust earthquakes are the number one predictor of divorce.
3. Furthermore Gottman described what he calls the “four horseman” which destroy relationships. These are toxic behaviors that sabotage loving relationships including criticism (You are a jerk), defensiveness (It is not my fault, it’s yours), contempt (You are pathetic), and stonewalling (giving the silent treatment). Instead he suggests gentle reframes that start a different conversation, like I’m exhausted and not at my best right now. Let’s walk away and come back to this conversation later.
4. Trust recovery requires radical honesty such as being gentle yet extremely direct and honest. A question like “Where were you?”, requires a lack of defensiveness and honesty in response. You have to keep in mind the wounds of the person who is asking the questions and be gentle but truthful. The betrayer must be reliable through providing consistency over time. Rebuilding trust isn’t about grand gestures like gifts or lavish vacations. Instead it is little acts of trust over time.
5. Relationships that endure have a “shared meaning system.” This consists of rituals, traditions and shared goals that keep couples moving forward over time. Some examples of this are couples who go hiking together every Saturday morning or cook a big dinner every Sunday night. It could also be volunteering together at a local shelter, or joining a committee that supports a cause that matters to you both.
Overall, relationships that manage to thrive aren’t free from problems. They just have healthy ways of handling these conflicts and create a safe place where both individuals can grow.