Divorce can be devastating. While it is often equated with the death of a loved one, many people do not acknowledge the grieving process. Some people wonder if they will ever get married again and other people can’t wait to get married again. A 50% divorce rate is often discussed but the actual divorce rate of first marriages is 42% according to the Center for Disease Control. This rate increases to 60% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages. These statistics leave us wondering…why would I ever get married again if the statistics work against second and third marriages? How can I avoid the mistakes I made the first time? Will I ever rebuild my life? What would a rebuild look like? It is important to be self-compassionate and treat ourselves in the way we would treat our closest friends.
Building self-awareness and recognizing the mistakes you made during your first marriage is a necessity for the healing process after the end of a marriage. Self-compassion is often eclipsed by guilt and empathy is often overshadowed by blame. It is important to treat oneself with the same compassion as you would a friend. What would you say to a friend after a divorce?
Recognizing the mistakes that one made and allowing forgiveness is essential for moving on. Blame, punishment, and self-doubt are natural responses but ultimately harmful to the recovery process after divorce. Divorce is not necessarily a sign of failure but the recognition that something is not working and the courage to admit that it is time to shift the relationship. Building a support system can help one to feel encouraged. Having people around us to remind us of our strengths rather than highlight our weaknesses can help us to improve our mindsets. Perhaps we did not fail. As we move through difficult experiences, we grow and learn and as painful as the process may be, self-compassion is the backbone of this process. Feeling comfortable in our own skin will prepare us for what is next.