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As a psychologist specializing in healing from addictions and relationship counseling, I am frequently confronted with difficult situations in relationships. The pain involved in an unhealthy relationship is enormous yet people stay stuck in their discomfort for many years. Why? When confronted with this overwhelmingly difficult question, I like to explain it in more simple terms. Recently, I have been utilizing Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle (1968) to explain dysfunctional relationships and why people stay in them.
Although Karpman described this triangle over fifty years ago, it can [...]
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One of the most important life lessons I have learned occurred while I was watching an old interview with Toni Morrison. Morrison described how when a child enters the room and looks to see her parents, what she is searching for is to see if their faces are lighting up. Are their eyes sparkling? Do the grown-ups in the room care if she is there?
So often parents are preoccupied on their cell phones and spend too much time checking their texts and emails, worrying about the next event they have to attend, or their next deadline. If they do notice their child, it is usually to focus on her imperfections. The parents may fix their daughter’s hair or tuck in her shirt. They may believe that this is caring for their child by trying to fix her and make sure she looks “presentable.” However, the message the[...]
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In 2020 there seems to be an unwritten rule that all holistic therapists are supposed to recommend that their patients meditate. This recommendation has become so popular that it feels “on trend” like eating kale or suggesting yoga. The goals of meditation are varied, but generally the purpose is to encourage our patients to “be in the present,” unplug and focus inward. Many therapists suggest meditation apps as well as going to private meditation classes. While that is a great aspirational goal for many people, it does not work for everyone.
Several years ago, I googled “surrounding meditation classes” and did not find many that were close to where I liv[...]
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In March of 2019, the country was outraged when two famous actresses, Lori Loughlin and Felocity Hoffman, were discovered to have cheated in the college admission process. They paid college admissions coach, William (Rick) Singer to get their daughters into college unethically by helping them cheat on their college admissions test (SAT) as well as by blatantly lying about their credentials. Singer even went as far as to assist applicants to pose as recruited athletes in order to improve their chances of admission into prestigious colleges. These actresses were not alone in their participation. Dozens of other wealthy parents disregarded the values of h[...]
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As a psychologist specializing in addictions and relationships, I need to make a full disclosure: I met my husband in a bar. It was 26 years ago when we first locked eyes at Rock Lobster, a popular outdoor restaurant/bar on Delaware Avenue in Philadelphia. We had an easy banter and although we had never met before we quickly realized that we had several friends in common. He was a handsome young lawyer with a warm smile.
On our first date he disclosed to me how tough his last year had been. He shared that he had recently failed the Bar Exam and was subsequently fired from his job. He told me how ashamed he was and described a painful experience of going out to the holiday[...]
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Coping with Toxic Family Members
Yesterday one of my patients asked me “Are all families as dysfunctional as mine?” I looked at her with a smile on my face and shared one of my favorite quotes. “The only perfect families are the ones you don’t know.” What that sentiment was intended to imply was that all families have some dysfunction if you look beneath the surface. Although I stand by that statement, I do want to acknowledge that some families have more toxic energy than others.
With the holidays coming up, there is often the expectation of spending more time together as a family. There are frequently overnight stays, family meals and partie[...]
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“Who sits at the table in your boardroom?” I asked my handsome, elegantly dressed fortysomething year old patient. He looked at me with a confused expression on his face. He was a man in recovery from an addiction who was struggling with some difficult relationship decisions. He is similar to many of the high functioning executives whom I counsel and was not sure if I were referring to the boardroom for the financial organization where he works, or if I were looking for a deeper meaning. It was actually the later explanation.
I told him to close his eyes and then take several deep breaths. When he seemed in a more relaxed state of mind, I asked him to visualize bein[...]
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Why do the challenging task of working on your marriage? It may be easier to just “cut and run”, by starting fresh with a “clean slate” and a new partner. That way you do not have to engage in Couples Therapy where you have to rehash pain, disappointments and failed expectations.
There was an old movie called Shall we Dance (2004) that starred both Richard Gere and Susan Sarrandon. Although the movie was kind of silly it had one of the best quotes about why to stay married that I have ever heard. In the movie, Richard Gere’s character had a secret that his wife did not know about. He was taking a dance class. Susan Sarrandon’s character knew that he[...]
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Written by: Dr. Alyson Nerenberg
In our society, little girls are raised watching Disney movies. In most of these stories they observe that a beautiful princess will overcome obstacles in order to find her own ideal true love. They believe that once they find that perfect Prince Charming they will ride off in to the sunset and have the happy ending that they deserve. As these girls get older the same fantasy of a perfect partner is promoted by romantic comedies. All the protagonist has to do is work through her own misunderstandings and erroneous beliefs and she will find the ideal partner who will provide her wi[...]
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Written by: Dr. Alyson Nerenberg
Okay, so there was an explosion in your marriage and you are wondering if you should stay. Whether it was a marital affair, the uncovering of an addiction, a financial betrayal or an act of dishonesty, you are feeling lost and wondering if you should stay. Before I give you any advice or suggestions just breathe. Breathe in. Breathe out. It is all going to be okay. First off, you do not have to make any decisions right now.
What you do need to do is take care of yourself. Be loving, gentle and kind with yourself as you take some responsibilities off your plate. Whether that means asking a fr[...]
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As a psychologist specializing in healing from addictions and relationship counseling, I am frequently confronted with difficult situations in relationships. The pain involved in an unhealthy relationship is enormous yet people stay stuck in their discomfort for many years. Why? When confronted with this overwhelmingly difficult question, I like to explain it in more simple terms. Recently, I have been utilizing Stephen Karpman’s Drama Triangle (1968) to explain dysfunctional relationships and why people stay in them.
Although Karpman described this triangle over fifty years ago, it can [...]
Read More
